The end is just the beginning looked at from a different perspective

So here I am, a new year, and supposedly free. It has been a long time since I last wrote, so for those of you who don't remember, I made a commitment to God that I wasn't going to date anyone until the start of the new year. This gave me six months to grow closer to Him and to figure out what it was that I wanted when it came to a relationship. And now, here we are, in 2008, and I am now free to date.

But I'm not going to do that. I know some people either jokingly or seriously suggested that once this was over I was going to have at the dating world again. I know that I myself felt that way, even to the point where I thought it would be nice to have someone to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve.

But I'm worth more than that. I need more time than that. I didn't take the time in the past six months to truly grow as much as I could have. That is not to say that there weren't plenty of times when I saw much into the insight that God was trying to present to me. But overall I did not journey down the path as far as I could have, I didn't check in with God, and I wasn't patient with His plans for me.

I was going to write a halfway entry to report my status. I kind of wish I had done so now, since it's been the last three months that have probably been the worst. I pulled away. I shut down. I stopped caring. I fell into myself. And I caused myself a lot of pain, and a lot of other people felt the occasional stab of that, too.

I don't know what my point was in all of this. Maybe to let those few people who read my blog entries, few as they are, that I am still out here, still dealing with my issues, and trying not to make the same mistakes I have made in the past. I'm not ready for a relationship right now, and I don't think I will be for some time. And I think that's what God has been trying to tell me. Because it doesn't do me any good to think about what kind of music there will be at my wedding reception if there isn't even a potential bride in my life. Or to think about going on vacations with my children if they don't have a mother yet.

God is more important to me than a relationship. But until I can actually feel that and follow that, I know I won't be ready. Whether or not I can put that into practice, however, is to be seen.

The future goal and the present perspective

I can't say it hasn't been a rough week. But it has been good in other ways as well.

First, there was the break-in, but there does seem to be some justice coming of it, and my stolen laptop seems to have been the key to it all. And I'm supposedly getting it back at some point.

But even with that good news, this weekend was stressful for me, and work wasn't a source of it, thankfully. I wasn't sleeping and I was paranoid and I was afraid. I got some news that felt kind of like a kick in the teeth, but I am trying to manage my feelings.

In all this, I haven't forgotten what I've been trying to learn from God. Sunday at church there was communion, and I was pleased to see so many couples going up to take it together. It was a peek into the future for me, to see what joy I will experience by taking communion with my wife and the knowledge that God is so central to the workings of our relationship. I love how God has been taking my inablility to stop thinking about having a wife and turning it into something beautiful.

I have been doing a lot of praying lately, and prayer meeting in and of itself was a lot better than it has been lately. It went long, but I think just about everyone was okay with it. It was very powerful last night.

And now we turn to today, the last day of three days off. Yes, I rested. Yes, I have had a good deal of fun, and got most of what I wanted to accomplish completed. But I am still battered by conflicting emotions, and I do not think it coincidental that in my One Year Bible I started Job today. It kind of puts things into a little better perspective. I don't have it that rough. In fact, I have a pretty good life all told. If I had resisted things in the past my heart wouldn't be as broken as it is now.

You want to know something pretty amazing, though? At work last week I was thinking about how due to my past relationships I might not be able to give my entire heart to my wife, since I have already given portions of it away. For a magical and perfect moment, I felt God's presence and the knowledge that I do have my whole heart to give. I just have to work at getting it all back before I give it to the true partner for me. Which means working with God and waiting for His timing. It may be difficult, but it's going to be extremely worth it.

I believe my children are the future

It's amusing when something at church mirrors thoughts one is already having in life. Take today for instance: it was the first of three sermons about sharing our faith with our children or grandchildren (or children in our lives in general). Naturally, not having kids of my own yet, I have concerned myself in this area with my sister's children. I consider it of importance to be one of the guides for them when it comes to experiencing and growing in faith.

Another thing that has been on my mind in this area has been thinking about ways I can impart my knowledge, wisdom, and experience to my children. I for some reason have wondered if I should write a special book for each of my children, or when to bring up topics that can be of use to them as they grow older. I don't know why this has been on my mind lately, but it did click in my head today that something very important was missing: a wife and mother.

For some reason, despite my desire for a loving wife, mother to my children, and partner in life, so often when I think of raising the kids she is not present. I don't know if this is because there is no one in reality that fills that role at the moment, or if for some reason there is just some part of me that wants to raise the kids "my" way. I'm not even sure what "my" way is, for goodness sake. And I know I'll be a better father with a fully-involved mother at my side. So I have to connect my wife with my kids in my mind, or else I'll never truly be ready to have both in my life.

The growth with God continues to amaze me.

Another week out

I've decided to actually maybe update a little more regularly, and it seemed appropriate that I do so a week after my last entry. I guess I wanted to keep any of the people out there reading this appraised of my situation and how it may have improved or worsened in the intervening time.

I guess I would say that things have improved for the most part, though it still has been a roller coaster kind of week for me, feeling both up and down within the span of a few hours. I actually started wondering if I might be manic depressive there for a little bit, but I think that was just an extreme take on the whole situation.

At any rate, I realized that I maybe have been spending too much time hanging out and not getting enough time for myself. This is not to say that I haven't been enjoying all the social activities, but I am very much a person who likes to take a good chunk of time every now and then to enjoy being alone, doing my own thing, like just vegging in front of the TV or playing video games or something. It's perhaps my way of processing life or perhaps it's just the way I keep myself sane (or at least less insane).

So I am taking a week or so off of doing a lot of social things, which is kind of hard when you consider my prayer meeting and things like Bible study and what not. I'm just kind of stepping back from going out and watching movies and all that jazz. I need some me time.

Anyway, I am exhausted, I think I might read or play some video games or something for a while. Until next time, I just hope I don't go off the deep end...or end up getting hit in the parking lot coming out of Papa John's (since I have noticed an increase in people treating it with no regard to things like parking spaces or having a concept of right of way).

The life and times of late of Bob Kubiak

Wow, it's been longer than I thought since I updated, and what a way to come back into the fold.

I find myself rather depressed tonight, and I think I understand why, but even still, am not terribly sure of what's going on and why this is happening. It seems very odd to me to think that earlier today I was recalling how wonderful a life I have despite my hardships, and now I find myself facing a massive cliff wall to get out of this pit.

My breakup has been on my mind lately. It's been over a month. I made a decision about my spiritual life in a rush, but am happy and working on it, to spend the following 6 months (now 5, basically, until the new year) devoted to God. That is to say, that I want to grow closer to Him and figure out what it is to be in a loving relationship with Him before I go back into the dating world. That is not to say that once January 1st rolls around I'm going to start asking girls out again (I even joked in a prayer that if God wanted to have a girl for me to kiss at midnight on New Year's Eve I wouldn't mind). But for the time being I'm not dating and trying to grow closer to God. Which kind of leads into my second are that's making me kind of depressed.

I don't feel like I'm getting fed very well spiritually, at least in terms of fellowship. I admit that I have been slacking with regard to the prayer group I lead; I haven't been putting in enough time and haven't put up the prayer requests for those who want reminders or any of that, and I know that's part of it. But I find that I have not been enjoying Bible studies lately, and what saddens me is that I think it's because of the people leading them and/or some of the people attending them. I feel like my study of the Word is getting too painted from the perspective of a specific few people, and although I know I can learn a good deal from these people, I feel like I am not getting as much out of my study as I could, and as I need to get out of it. I'm beginning to wonder if I've really tried to stand on my own spiritual legs with regard to Bible study. I haven't even been a committed Christian for 3 years at this point (after being raised in the church, I fell away, but even in my youth I was never as committed as I am now). I face the prospect of wanting a Bible study in the fall, but not sure where to go, because the "obvious" options for me put me under leadership that I'm trying to get away from (the whole painting perspective thing) or don't really respect. I don't want negative feelings attached to my study of the Word.

I'm resisting the urge to drink right now (and thankfully don't have any booze, really). I'm resisting the urge to do something destructive, like hitting the wall or kicking something. And I'm resisting the urge to masturbate. It sucks to want to pray and be a freaking prayer group leader but feeling unable to really get out what I need to get out in conversation with God. I guess I just need to let go. But it's hard. Crap in a freaking hat.